GOVERNMENT DECREE: CLASSIFIED FILES REVEALED—YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE TRUTH (OR MAYBE YOU WILL)
Washington D.C. — In an unprecedented move, the government has officially declassified a trove of documents so bizarre, so utterly outrageous, that even your craziest uncle at Thanksgiving might take a break from posting memes to process this.
Among the bombshell revelations: human rectal experiments. Yes, you read that right. It turns out, the “taxes” you thought were funding schools and roads may actually have been rerouted to… well, probing your most personal regions. Forget Area 51—turns out the real cover-up was Area 52, conveniently located right where you’d least expect it. Are we funding the science of flatulence, or is this just a deep state ploy to keep us distracted? Either way, Americans are already lining up with tinfoil pants.
And speaking of flatness… The Earth? Oh, it’s flat. That’s not a conspiracy theory anymore—it’s a declassified fact. Turns out gravity is just a long-running gag cooked up by NASA to sell globes and airplane tickets. Apparently, airlines have been flying in circles this whole time just to keep the charade alive. Word is, Bezos’ rocket ships just bounce off the top of the dome like a DVD logo hitting the corner of the screen.
But wait, there’s more! Kennedy wasn’t assassinated by a lone gunman. Nope, that’d be too simple. The documents reveal it was actually a high-stakes poker game gone wrong between the CIA, Elvis, and a very drunk Marilyn Monroe. As for Roswell? The infamous green men weren’t just aliens—they were gay. Fabulous, sequined, martini-drinking aliens whose mission was to spread universal love and karaoke… until they got stuck in 1950s New Mexico, where taste and tolerance were as barren as the desert.
And in case you thought things couldn’t get darker: a detailed exposé of “PizzaGate” confirmed that yes, children are eaten in pizza shops—but only if they’re Republicans. Democrats, meanwhile, are strictly vegan and prefer oat milk lattes with their satanic rituals.
Vaccines also made the list. Forget microchips—turns out every dose of the COVID-19 vaccine included a secret 5G antenna. Those booster shots? Just Verizon upgrades. You might think you’re getting better reception, but really, Bill Gates is tracking every time you Google “how to make sourdough bread.” Scientists also suspect the vaccine’s magnetic properties might explain why your cousin Cheryl is sticking forks to her forehead.
And finally, the pièce de résistance: Donald Trump. Not just a failed casino owner, real estate mogul, and social media tantrum machine—he’s officially classified as a “dangerous idiot” in the newly revealed government files. The dossier doesn’t mince words: “He’s basically the reason aliens refuse to visit anymore.”
Naturally, this trove of revelations has left Trump’s most loyal supporters in a tailspin. One voter was overheard at a Florida diner: “I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is the Earth flat? Are aliens gay? Am I gay?!” Another was more optimistic: “As long as we still got our guns, who cares if the moon’s made of cheese?”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists everywhere are celebrating, having now achieved “vindication” status. Alex Jones has reportedly ascended to a new form of being, visible only to those wearing polarized sunglasses, while QAnon forums have exploded in excitement: “THEY TOLD YOU SO!”
One thing’s for sure: reality is a dystopian mess, but at least it’s funny. Probably.